"I Didn't Do Anything"

You have probably guessed from today's title that my (precious) kids have been at each other again. This morning, it started (or at least, I began to hear it) upon my exit from the shower. So, in the spirit of Barney Fife, I flung open the door and set out to "nip it in the bud," whatever it was. Of course, innocent faces and indignant voices instantly proclaimed, "I didn't do anything!!"

Fortunately, this particular conflict got resolved rather easily. It wasn't difficult to discern that each of the two had been insisting on getting his/her way regardless of the other's feelings or pleas. What had started out as a simple disagreement over the ideal volume for the radio quickly escalated into something more. More personal, and... well, just more. And all in the space a few minutes (possibly seconds?)

I can't help but be reminded here of the classic, "Lord of the Flies," by William Golding. Absent competent discipline, life on the utopian island soon became a confused swirl of distrust, fear, naked power plays, intense hatred, and even murder. The penultimate paragraph ends with the words: "Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man's heart, and the fall through the air of the true, wise friend called Piggy." According to Golding: "The theme is an attempt to trace the defects of society back to the defects of human nature... in the end... adult life appears, dignified and capable, but in reality enmeshed in the same evil as the symbolic life of the children on the island." Can it be that the reason why both children and adults are so struck by this story is because it so accurately reflects the thoughts and attitudes of our very own hearts?

The bible says it best:
Psalm 14:3 All have turned aside, they have together become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one.

Back to those famous last words of my kids, "I didn't do anything." Sometimes I find it helpful to do a word-for-word analysis of statements like that to get to the truth at its clearest (this is also fun to do with bible verses, by the way). It goes something like this:

1. I didn't do anything. (The blame game. It wasn't me; it was _____. "The woman you put here with me- she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." or "The serpent deceived me, and I ate." So you see, it wasn't really my fault).
2. I didn't do anything. (The false innocence bit. "I don't know what you're talking about. Am I my brother's keeper?")
3. I didn't do anything. (The "no active role" claim. Think Abraham and Pharaoh, Gen. 12).
4. I didn't do anything. (Just plain delusion. "Who can say, "I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin"? - Prov. 20:9)

Obviously, nothing about the statement, "I didn't do anything," can be true, ultimately. It's an offensive statement, one that we discourage our children from using, yet nevertheless, we probably hear it daily! What's up with that?

It's tough as a parent to root out self-love, impure motives, and wrongful ambitions, i.e., to expose and then deal with sinful attitudes in the hearts of our children. Most of the time, we're convicted in the process; was it by our examples that this behavior was learned? So, dealing with the behavior itself doesn't cut the mustard; if the heart is wrong, the behavior will eventually revert to reflect it:

Luke 6:45 The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

This isn't an easy concept to teach to children, because they think in such concrete terms. They're not that interested in the abstract, the philosophical, or the theoretical. But they are watching our examples. And they can see us putting principles into action (or not). They do see our fruit, and they do perceive our attitudes.

Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.

That much can be visible to them. (Ouch!) Again, this parenting thing can be very convicting! :)

Speaking of convicting, it's always interesting to keep in mind that all of the books from Romans to Revelation were written to or about sinning Christians who needed to repent! Here is one such passage related to today's title, bearing both a wondrous promise and a stern warning:

1 John 1

8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

God places a high priority on confession! Not only that, but our confessions mean so much to other people. They remind them that we're all human, that we're in this together, that they are not alone in their struggles, and that we acknowledge the sorrow that our sin causes to others. Even so, I could refuse to apologize/confess to my children when I'm wrong, but this is truly pointless: they already instinctively know when I've done wrong, so my failure to own up to my sin is more aggrandized when I don't confess than when I do. Worse, the unconfessed sin becomes an obstacle to trust and intimacy between me and my children. But the worst of all is the effect that unconfessed sin has on my own heart (and possibly theirs?), and upon my relationship with God. Unconfessed sin hardens my heart, gives satan an opportunity (a foothold), and besmirches the Name above every name. Not an example I want to give to or see in or from my children!

So what to do when faced with the "I Didn't Do Anything" attitude? Sometimes punishment only seems to contribute to the resolve of the offending party. That's not what we want. But then, there is such a thing as discipline without what most think of as "punishment." It's amazing to me how a stubborn child, one who will not admit his wrongdoing when given many chances, will "suddenly" recall with fantastic clarity exactly what they did wrong once they are removed from the "party" for a while. In the solitude of their beds, deprived of the fellowship and comfort of family and friends, and denied access to gizmos and other distractions from the workings of the conscience, the reality of their sin convicts them and finds its expression on their tongues. A few carefully posed questions generally prove to test the sincerity of their confessions.

Now you may ask, how often does this happen at our house? Not as often as it should, granted! but more often lately than it has in the past, and there's going to be a regular housecleaning from now on. Starting with me!